Monday, February 21, 2011

My first tryst with failure

It has been one month since my results of an exam I took were announced…It was the dreaded 4 –letter word a ‘FAIL’.
It is horrible to digest & I have not been even able to speak openly about it( except to a few selected people) but it has created a block in my mind & so I thought I should write about it before it eats me away.
To top it all since I haven’t told too many people about it so I have to act nonchalant & be my usual pleasant self in front of all.
Its not as if I sit brooding about it , but it creeps into my thoughts quite frequently…for someone who has never failed, never even come close to failing it has been a challenge to overcome.
Let me paint the scene ‘I was in Pune(a sister city of Mumbai) , the results were supposed to be announced at 6 but due to some delay it is not, so I keep trying on a borrowed laptop at regular intervals all anxious, all the while my parents who are out of town too are constantly keep trying on their GPRS-enabled phone.This continues upto 8.30…I & my sister are at a multi-cuisine restaurant ‘Metro Fusion’ having some mushroom soup when a refresh on my gmail account tells me a new mail has arrived , containing the verdict…I open it only after 10 minutes of indecision , & see those never-seen-before words…as soon as my brain-processes the information the reaction is instant ,drops of tears get mixed with my soup….
My sister tries to console me with the usual ‘its only an exam, not a big deal’, but after a point i am not even listening. I call my parents & tell them, their reaction being ‘don’t worry, enjoy’ makes me feel guilty as ever , they have always had high hopes for me….so…
Later I suffer from periodic silent fits & my friends from mumbai keep calling, even attempting to call from different numbers when I don’t pick-up, get worried over the situation…but I knew nothing they would say would heal the wounds…
Still I feel thankful to have such dear friends…..
The wounds are still sore, it still hurts & I’m sure I will wail if anyone mentions it but I’m trying to be all mature about & I guess I have dealt with it in my own way.
Another exam will come & I shall make it.
Amen.

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